What you think of me is not my problem

I have observed that whenever there are issues, situations, obstacles in life, the first reaction in people is about what others will think of them, their behaviour to the extent of framing imaginary things about what others will be talking about them. Let us analyze this more. There are multiple aspects to the statement that I have made here.
Firstly, if you are concerned about your image in front of others, you have to question your conduct in day to day life that others are not observing minutely. Are you conducting yourself with integrity and basic etiquette even when others are not around. How honest and transparent are you in your daily life? Do you really have something to hide what may become an object of ridicule for others? If you give your 100% and are transparent in your dealings, you will never consider about what others think because you know in your heart and in your truth that you have given the very best to this situation/obstacle. It is always about your reaction to a situation, how you perceive your realty and what actions you take rather than what the actual situation is.
Secondly how easily do you start judging others and gossip and ridicule them? Do we really know their story? What gives us the right to judge someone and form opinions when are not in their shoes? Do we actually listen to what others say about themselves or we already have a story about them in our heads and we put in replay mode every time we hear their names. If joking about others/gossiping/ridiculing people is a part of your nature and you enjoy doing this then yes you will definitely be concerned about what others are talking/saying about you. It is your very own action that instills fear in you about what others of you.
Lastly what we think about others, what actions/reactions we have towards situations are based on our own perceptions. So what others think about is an extension of your thinking pattern or you thought system rather than what are the actual facts. It is an extension of the self image we carry of ourselves. We need to examine what is that we are insecure about, where is this insecurity coming from, what is making us so fearful about what others may apparently say (which is actually an extension of your thought system and your ego).
We can say that before being concerned about what others say, let us first examine and question ourselves. And in this process it is imperative to work on one's own self esteem and image. How honest and transparent am I with myself? Do I have some self denials that need to be explored? What are my insecurities and fears? It is not about self critique. It is about evolving to be a better person.
#opinions #whatothersthink #perception #positiveliving

Grace

At times what keeps us calm and patient in difficult situations is a bit of grace. Came across this beautiful message when facing a bit of challenging situation.  At the end of the day, it is the choices you make to deal with the situation that matter and define you as a person. Never let an outside situation affect your state of being. And never let anyone's opinion influence your being. Always remember everyone comes with their own story and their own experience and that has nothing to do with you. If at all required, rise above the situation and learn to let go - to release - judgements, criticism,  harsh words, anger and any negative emotions and then try to see the situation objectively.  But above all, respect yourself and your being. Be graceful and never lose your identity in trying to please others.

How to avoid negativity in day to day life

During the last few days, I have been meeting up with some of my friends.... some really old ones whom I haven’t seen in ages. Though it was fun catching up, there was an uneasy feeling as I was unable to connect with some friends or some topics that were discussed. I have realized when girls meet, the discussion varies from weight issues, what not to order and what not to eat, someone is invariably on a diet (this is supposed to be a lifestyle change, the word diet should be deleted from the dictionary!), or someone makes you conscious of what you order. The second hot topic is generally gossiping about a friend who is either not in contact or has not turned up for the meet. This is completely harmless but it makes me think that maybe people do talk about me when I am not around and I am sure everyone has got this feeling sometime or the other. Another thing that disturbs me is when married friends start discussing their problems and want your opinion on the same. Since I am single, I am usually at crossroads whether to say anything or just listen. I completely admire those who have problems but choose to joke about the same (literally some of my friends can give a run to stand-up comedians).

Coming back to today’s topic on how to deal with negative or uneasiness that comes in. This is more of a gut feeling where you start feeling uncomfortable in a situation or what topic is going on or what your friends want to discuss. Over the years I have realized it is an internal feeling rather than related to the outside event. It is about how you are reacting to the outside situation. Take some time out (of course when alone preferably before you end the day) and ask yourself deep down what was that feeling. If you like writing, do it. Though I am a bit lazy about writing about my thoughts, it is usually the best cathartic for negative emotions. For example if conversation towards a healthy diet makes you uncomfortable, that is because you have been ignoring your need to turn towards a healthier diet or are taking too many liberties with food. Again food is directly related to emotions. So many times when we are discussing food, it is best to ask ourselves what are we covering up with the kind of food we are eating. When someone makes a personal remark on their marital status, work, children, lifestyle….always remember it is a projection of their thinking and has nothing to do with you. If you end up some negative feelings (irritation, anger, issues with self worth), bring yourself to peace by counting your blessings.  We all are where we are by the choice we make in life and not because where life brings us. Even not making a choice is actually choosing not to make a choice.

There are two mantras that I have started using recently to calm myself down and relook at any situation. One is by Gabrielle Bernstein that goes by “Peace lies within me.” I keep repeating this if I realize I am creating this sensation of uneasiness.

At times there are external factors such two people fighting or someone in afoul mood starts shouting or getting angry with you or starts telling you their problems. We also have this unique ability to jump in between discussions that are totally unrelated to us and put ourselves in middle of mess. During such situation I have started repeating this (mentally, unless you want people to call you crazy…not that I mind :-P) …”Not my circus, not my monkey” (from somewhere on the internet).

These two mantras have immensely helped me in the past few months and help me resolve issues that I may have created. I have realized that I more time as I have started getting less involved in other people’s problem (even if they are close as there is only so much you can do for others) and have drastically cut down on my negative thinking that would be on loop mode throughout the day.

Last and not the least, we always have 1 or 2 friends who help you see through the issue quickly (only if are willing to heal yourself) and are totally reliable to get you back in a positive, happy mood within minutes (yes timing is important on how fast you heal yourself from the situation). If you are one of those who goes on and on about your problems and see no change in your relations, then you need to break the loop mode and get out of the monotonous song playing in your head. For me, listening to music especially some fast paced numbers completely changes my mood and helps breaks the loop mode.

So its important to sit back and observe what stories your mind is telling you, break the thoughts and see your external environment change completely. That is if you are willing to change rather than expecting others to change.

Social construction of Beauty

We all are very aware of the age old idiom "beauty lies in the eye of the beholder". What does this really mean in today's world? I am writing this as I am tired of looking at various advertisements screaming on your face, be it print media, hoardings, tv, radio  and not to forget social media networks on how to enhance your beauty with the help of cosmetics (oh i do love using those that give a natural look), and the new age dermatology clinics offereing laser treatments (all those permanent removal of hair and spots and marks), botox, venus freeze, permanent make up look. Though I have nothing against people who opt for these or those who are making the offers, what is worrying is the claims these advertisments make. Do they really deliver what they have promised?

And why is it so important to look a certain way that is supported and projected in advertisements with actors proclaiming these to be the best products available. I mean do these actors promoting the fair and handsome, veet and navratan oil really use these products? How can beauty be skin deep? Also we have been molded to think right from childhood that fair, thin is beautiful (and also intelligent) whereas dark and oevrweight is not acceptable. Rather than focussing on looks, it would have been ideal if we were taught how to build personalities, how to hold on to an interesting conversation, to be avid readers and to be more involved with nature.

Even now (actually it's more visible because of easy availability of so called brands), I see new parents obsessed with dressing children and training them to make fashion choices even before they learn how to walk. In today's world, especially in India, it is important to break the age old diktats how children have been brought up. Managing a kitchen and household work is essential for boys to learn (remember those days where we as girls were called in the kitchen and the boys allowed to play and we thought it was a normal part of growing up) as girls are breaking the stereotype and contributing (expected to as they earn money at par with their spouses) financially to run the house. Similarly blue is for boys and pink for girls cannot coexist in a world where women are increasingly becoming independent. We need to think is it fair to expect women to be fair, beautiful, make money, run the kitchen and manage the house where the men are only getting balder with a paunch and continue to watch tv after coming from work. Yes, there are men who take care of themselves (workouts and waxing) but that is a small percentage.

I guess its time to rethink how we are looking at our social roles and how we are molding our children's future. Can we redefine beauty and change the social construction of roles?

Being single in your mid - 30s

This post is for all of us who are in their mid 30s and are single. Some common observations that I have had with friends who are single:

1. We would like to belive that we chose to be single and project a strong and independent image to the world that includes our family though we may be feeling vulnerable and lonely (a little maybe) in the inside.
2. It is always a struggle to meet new eligible, potential mates..where are all the good (yes good looking too) men (or women).
3. A sense of awkardness when strangers start chatting up on parenting issues. My personal experience is the reaction when you tell them that you are not married so no kids yet. These strangers always compliment that you are so young (oh yeah!) and are mentally calculating your age.
4. This one is for girls - when you are meeting a potential (so called marriage material) and the discussion starts to move towards hormonal issues and ageging (why the hell are you meeting if my age is a problem).
5. Going out or planning a fun weekend revolves around baby- sitting kids, going to a fun park or a mall that has kids play area as your friends have children and dinner is over by 10 pm as kids have to go to bed. And yes not to mention, the amount of planning that goes in and number times the plan is cancelled (what do you expect, everyone's married).
6. Those relatives who pity you and make you the centre of attraction at a party or get-together because of your single status and too old to get married talks (when are you getting married, why are you so choosy, think about your parents.....yes i totally get it)
7. Then you meet those potential (at least you assume there is some chance) and they are interested only in a coffee date (so called intellectual conversations where you talk about the world for hours - how perfect) but never hear from them again.
8. Another important factor is, who should first initiate communication? I have no answer for this one.

Whatever said and done, my personal experience has taught me never to given to social and family pressure. Always be your self when you meet someone rather than how you are expected to be. Never settle for anything less. Its better to be single than to live with a stranger whom you don't want to be with. At times its confusing, and at times you may get a feeling that you have missed the bus but always remember everything is perfect according to the divine plan. You experience a situation because you have to learn and grow.

Doing for self v/s doing what others expect of you

We spend most of our time trying to mold ourselves into what others expect of us rather than how we want to be. Also this concept of being how others what us to behave is a bit screwed as we tend to believe what others think of us based on our perception. So it is actually a projected idea of what we assume others think of us rather than what they actually will be thinking about us. Also we overlook the idea that others may actually not be thinking about us at all and we may be, but a small minuscule aspect of their lives. And imagine we spend our entire lives thinking how others are going to say about us on our face or rather behind our backs. We actually assume that people are not honest to us in person but rather weave stories about us behind our backs. To come to think of it, so we think others have so much time to gossip about us. Or simply put, we live in a delusion of self grandiosity that the entire world is thinking about us and gossiping about us which is nothing but a delusion we live in and that preoccupies us so much so that we take that as our reality. Also another point to think about is that the image we think people have of us or even what we carry of others is nothing but a projection of our mind and talks about how we are or how we think. We live in a false sense of reality that separates us from our real self. That true reality in which we find our true joyous self, free of any judgments and comparisons. Think for a moment how would you like others to see you? Well that’s how we have to see others too.  And we got to do what we think we need to do rather than what we assume others want us to do. To put it in simple words, you are your own storyteller. So what story are you writing?

What has physical appearance got to do with self worth?

I was watching some show on television with my parents and for the next half an hour, there were incessant comments from my parents on how thin she was or if the other person is fat and hence will have problems in performing. Why do we carry such negative images based on body weight? Even the recent controversy of how the winner of biggest loser is looking gaunt after quickly dropping so much weight. Is it even healthy to lose weight so quickly?

Media influences our thought processes and promotes the ideal image. Everyday you will see countless number of articles on how to eat right, how to exercise a list of do’s and dont’s.  Right from news articles to celebrity endorsements to dieticians answering queries on print media to hosting shows. Many of times if you look at the content is based on some google search and at times contradictory what was promoted few days ago.  Many lifestyle magazines also define how actors or eminent media personalities look with public criticism of body types and appearance.

How frequently do we encounter people socially and the first comment is how much you lost weight and or gained? Or how often we wonder that we are doing everything right but unable to lose weight? And get depressed over our body image. This makes us approach various diet fads, dieticians, weight loss clinics to achieve and maintain a celebrity look.

A fad diet is a diet plan that promises drastic weight loss over a short period of time. These are short term, quick fix approach to weight loss. They may help in delivering results but can actually be harmful in the long term.

A dietician or nutrition convinces you to follow a diet using scientific jargon, references, their experience with successful cases (what about where it did not work?), creating a diet chart and exercise schedule for you should do or not do without even knowing you as a person. Basically creating a control over your life in a situation where you already feel pressured to look in a certain way (and even weigh). You need to keep in mind the following when you consult a dietician. And do not enroll in any programmme till you are not convinced about the efficacy or whether it works for you (well most dieticians ask you to pay a hefty sum and there is no way you can claim back your fees).

- Using terminology that is related to physiology or biochemistry: If you do not understand a term or process that a dietician you consult is using, please ask him/ her for references and read for yourself. Always cross check the information you receive. You may discover that whatever is being told is basically scientific jargon

- Always ask if there are research studies available to substantiate their claim. Please read information related to how big the study was, was it ever replicated in your local surrounding. What is true for Americans does not necessarily stand true for Asians. In fact what stands true for one person, is not necessarily applicable to you as you as an individual are unique and completely different and will respond different in the same situation.

An extract from a study, that talks about the highly acclaimed high protein and low carbs diet.

“Some of the most popular diets to hit the news wires these days are those that promote low carbohydrate and high protein intakes and promise significant weight loss. These diets are nothing more than low calorie diets in disguise, but with some potentially serious consequences. Following a low-carbohydrate, high-protein diet will encourage the body to burn its own fat. Without carbohydrates, however, fat is not burned completely and substances called ketones are formed and released into the bloodstream. Abnormally high ketone levels in the body, or ketosis may indeed make dieting easier, since they typically decrease appetite and cause nausea. However, ketosis also increases the levels of uric acid in the blood, which is a risk factor for gout and kidney disease in susceptible people. Additionally, notes Dr. St. Jeor, “following these diets can result in dehydration, diarrhea, weakness, headaches, dizziness, and bad breath, and over the long term, can also increase risk of atherosclerosis and osteoporosis.”

(http://www.foodinsight.org/Portals/0/pdf/March-April-2000-Issue.pdf)

- Are they willing to give you a trial for 15 – 20 days (maybe at some minimal fees) to see whether you are comfortable with the programme. Are they ready to change and invidualize a plan based on your requirements or there is some rigidity in adhering to the plan (the more the rigidity, the more you are not going to follow).

- If anyone is talking about quicker weight solutions, or promising a specific kgs /lbs loss, it is better not to enroll as our body behaves differently on different days and weight loss is dependent on our mental state which in turn does effect our hormonal levels and metabolism. Find someone who is willing to work with you without too many promises as any goal puts in a pressure for performance, which in the long run is usually difficult to maintain. Also a goal for weight loss includes a complete change in our lifestyle. It is better to slowly introduce something new rather to wake up one day and completely change our eating and exercise habits.

Few examples what dieticians want us do:

Most of the dieticians and nutritionists will have claims to have experience and research that has not been validated. For eg there is no research available to show if there is any difference between white bread and brown bread and how that affects the sugar level (glycemic index in our body). So we will never know why to replace white bread by brown bread. For eg, when I consulted a dietician, the first thing I was told to give up white flour (maida). Interestingly, I never had maida as a part of my diet (ok maybe once in 3 months) in the first place so where does this advice come from.

Read here what American Heart Association has to say http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/GettingHealthy/NutritionCenter/Quick-Weight-Loss-or-Fad-Diets_UCM_305970_Article.jsp

Sugar or no sugar: If you can give up sugar completely or use the recommended amount of table sugar. There is no evidence to support natural or artificial sweeteners and so called low sugar food that is available. The key is to limit the sugar intake whether it is table sugar or the alternatives. A more detailed explanation is here http://www.mayoclinic.org/artificial-sweeteners/art-20046936

Diet or weight loss books:

DO you know that there are 2521 books available on flipkart.com on searching for weight loss.  How do we choose for what we are looking for? Based on popularity? If the author is claiming studies are there references which can be accessed and how were these studies conducted, how many participants and where?

If a nutrition expert is asking you to replace your regular diet with something you have never had like quinoa and why not rajgiri, nachni/ raagi that is much cheaper and integral to Indian diet.

And in addition, the magic bullet pills, laser therapies, bariatic surgeries, venus freeze and many more methods to help you lose your weight.

Most of the diets will be based on calorie in and calorie out. Are these valid for long term? Yes you may be able to follow for a year, but what about long tern adherence (a lifetime) of controlling what you are craving for. Do we even realize these may be due to emotional needs rather than a mathematical calculation of what goes in and comes out. Almost everybody forgets what is that is deeper than the act of eating or storing fact.

The pressure to look good and thin is an integral part of our society. Right from childhood, it is ingrained in our minds that in order to be acceptable we have to project a certain image. The societal norms automatically sets in a rejection process in terms of ridiculing and calling names to those weigh more and do not fit in the normal scale of being at ideal weight. This kinds of adds fuel to the emotional state of the person (child, teenager, adults) and leads to more intake. How many times when you are in a negative mind frame and find yourself reaching out to a bar of chocolate or ice cream? Just imagine being constantly provoked on day to day basis, made to feel lesser, compared on appearance does to an individual who is constantly being pushed to control weight. Binging on food. That is what happens. This leads to a habit formation, a kind of addiction.

What has worked me:

1.     Get control back of your live. Believe in yourself. The first step is to accept who you are and how you look irrespective of how much you weigh. Learn to love the person in the mirror irrespective of what criticism you receive. (read mirror work technique by Louise Hay).  The first step is to work on your confidence level. Next time anyone passes a comment on how you have gained weight or a few extra kgs will make you look great, just smile and in your mind keep saying that “it is ok”.  They do not know you story or live your life even if it is coming from your parents and siblings. What others talk about you is their way of looking at things and has nothing to do with you. This is the most important step which will help in taking more care of yourself.

2.     Be aware of your eating habits. Accept it rather than denial about what you eat. When you are reaching out for that extra roti or dessert, consciously tell yourself it is ok to enjoy food. There is no need to feel guilty about how much you are eating and what you are eating. Once you let go of the feeling of guilt, you will realize that you are no longer attracted to that particular food you think you should be avoiding.

3.     Express gratitude to the food that you have during the day. Saying a mental thank you helps tremendously and instantly helps in lifting your mood. So you will find lesser use of chocolate after dinner to lift your depressed spirits.

4.     Whatever choices you make in changing your lifestyle, you have to be comfortable rather than imposed by a third party. We are all born with a free will and when you force your will to under someone else’s control, you are bound to default.

5.     Keep a journal about your food thoughts. It is not a calorie diet chart. It is about what so feel about food. Look at the statements that you enter. Is there a feeling of guilt, are there any negative words related to your thoughts. Are you cheating on food – making sure no one knows the extra meal you had? Well write down all of this without judging yourself. You will be surprised to know nearly everyone has these negative thoughts.

6.     The next step will be change your thoughts to more positive ones. Affirmations have worked beautifully for me. Also it will be replace words such as weight loss (that carry negative images) to achieving ideal body size (weight) that is unique for me. You can find many on google search and see what works for you best. Creative visualization also works well for some.

7.     Achieving ideal body weight can be different reasons, right from wearing certain type of clothes to health reasons. It is fine to have any reason but make sure it is not based what others expect out of you.

8.     It is a process rather than a destination. In order to achieve the goal, do not forget to enjoy life. The more happy you are, the more healthy you will be.

9.     Once you are able to bring in this shift at mental level especially taking charge of your emotions, then following a diet and exercise schedule will be enjoyable and produce results you desire.

10. Remember life is not a competition with someone else. Also the image you carry of yourself will result in how others see you. If you carry a positive, loving image of yourself, and accept what you are, this is how people around you will also reflect back to you.